


An Analrapist and a Gentleman

by Gunderpants



Category: Arrested Development, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Multi, Oh tobias you blowhard..., Order of the Phoenix era, have you considered recording yourself to see how you sound?, this is ripe for parody!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 20:15:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2401532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gunderpants/pseuds/Gunderpants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black consults Dr Tobias Fünke to resolve his many emotional problems. However, upon meeting Sirius' housemate, Tobias hatches an ill-begotten plan to bring the men closer together than ever before</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Analrapist and a Gentleman

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2007 HP Crossover Ficathon on LJ.
> 
> Don't be alarmed by the title: he's the world's first analyst and therapist. (The pronunciation itself isn't as alarming.)

"I know you're not in a good place mentally, Sirius, but I don't see how a _muggle_ psychotherapist is going to help you out."

Sirius Black looked up from the couch at his one remaining childhood friend, a beleaguered expression firmly affixed to his face. "Remus, I'm not happy at the moment. If I could have someone professional to talk to about my problems, I might find the root of my issues."

Remus pretended to look thoughtful. "Oh, I can tell you that for free: you're a mentally unhinged deposed member of the aristocracy who hates his insanely racist family and is under house arrest for a crime he didn't commit."

Sirius lobbed a pillow at Remus. "Shut up."

"Look, if it'll set your mind at ease, then it might be a good idea - if it weren't for the fact of aforementioned house arrest."

"See, I've already figured that problem out," Sirius said. "Dumbledore actually suggested the fellow to me; he's passed on my address to him. I only hope that he's able to get into the house with all my family's wards up."

"Is this man reputable?" Remus sat down beside Sirius on the couch, looking concerned. "I don't want you getting in with any crackpot who is going to exacerbate your problems."

Sirius fished into the pockets of his robes and pulled out a business card, which he presented to Remus, who - upon looking at the card for only a few seconds - expressed a great deal of shock and worry. "Sirius, I don't think you should be seeing any man who describes himself as an 'anal--'"

"It's 'analyst' and 'therapist' joined together. Don't worry, the pronunciation can be a bit worrisome."

"It's not the pronunciation I'm worried about."

***

"I don't know where to begin," Sirius said, as he lay on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. "I mean, so much has happened to me in the last few years that I can't even start to reconcile myself with the people I've wronged or been wronged by."

Sirius' therapist nodded. He was a short, weedy little man, with a balding head and thick, precisely combed moustache, and his taste in shirts left much to be desired. "Hmm. If I may take off my 'actor's pants' for a minute, and pull on my 'analrapist's stocking'--"

"I do wish you wouldn't use that term, Dr Fünke," said Sirius.

"--Then I would suggest that the root of all your problems is that you have unresolved feelings for someone in your life."

"I paid you the equivalent of seventeen galleons an _hour_ to hear that? I could have skipped these sessions and headed straight into abusing my parents' liquor cabinet," said Sirius testily. "But, I suppose you're right. I mean, it's been thirteen years now and I still can't come to grips with why I ever suspected Remus--"

"This Remus fellow: is he a friend of yours?"

"Well, yeah. He lives here with me."

"I see, I see." Tobias Fünke placed his finger on his chin contemplatively, and a wry smile formed on his lips. "A friend. I see. Well, our first hour is just about up--"

"What do you mean, _just about up?!_ You've not even offered me any advice!"

"Indeed I have not. Now: for our next session, I insist that you bring along this friend of yours. If you are to fully heal yourself, then a session of man-on-man group love is the best way to go."

"You really _are_ unfortunate with your phrasing, aren't you," Sirius said, as he threw a pile of coins down on the coffee table before leaving the library to fetch himself a soothing drink of fire-whiskey.

***

"You know, it's important that Sirius gets proper treatment and all - I know he's depressed living here, and he's still not getting over his time in Azkaban - but is sitting on his lap really _necessary?"_

"Stop fidgeting," Sirius snapped, "you've got a bony arse, and it's digging into my thigh muscles."

Remus fidgeted out of spite.

"Now, I thought I'd try a bit of role-play in order for Sirius to come to terms with his feelings for you, Remus," said Tobias, who was sprawled over one of the Black's great leather lounge suites as if he were a particularly lazy cat.

"Can't we just talk about it over a few drinks?"

"I can't feel my feet," whined Sirius. "I think you're cutting off my circulation."

"This is stupid," Remus said, standing up and taking a seat on the couch beside Sirius, "I know that we have unresolved issues to do with the Potters' murder, and the fact that we haven't seen each other in so long isn't going to help--"

"Yes, well, the reason I've got you two going at it like this --"

"There has got to be a better way to say that," Remus said.

"Yes, well, is because--"

"Remus," said a high female voice from out in the hallway, "there was a plateful of hard-boiled eggs on the kitchen counter a minute ago, have you seen--" Nymphadora Tonks poked her head into the library to find two men looking very skeptical and one man looking almost excited to see two men so physically close. "What's going on in here?"

"I was just talking to my two chums here," said Tobias, clapping Remus on the shoulder and causing the poor werewolf to wince in pain, "about their unresolved feelings for each other."

Tonks regarded the little man with the high-pitched voice as if he were an idiot of the highest order - which, correctly enough, he was. "That's my boyfriend there. The one you're patting on the shoulder. The heterosexual one."

Tobias stood, but didn't remove his hand from Remus' shoulder - much to Remus' discomfort. "Now, now. I know you want to believe that one day he'll be your handsome Prince Charming, but methinks your man's heart does belong to another, and he's merely pretending to avoid hurting your feelings. I should know all about pretending, given that I'm an actor and I do it every day."

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Remus, Sirius, there's stew in the pot over the fire, make sure you lock the door after this idiot goes." She shut the door behind her, and her footsteps could be heard as she wandered off back down the hall.

"Now, then, now that the negative energy has left the room, I want you both to--"

"Hold on a minute: feelings for each other? I just meant that we had issues still to discuss when I brought this up the other day," Sirius said, rising quickly from the couch. "You know, about thinking that the other person was a murderer, and all."

Tobias smirked in an "I-know-best" manner. "Or, is it because you were so blinded by your unrequited lust for each other that you transferred these positive feelings into negative ones?"

Sirius stared at his analrapist. "Are you here to offer me psychotherapy or help my love-life?"

"A little of both," said Tobias. "A little of both."

"I don't like Remus in that way," Sirius snapped. "Not that there's anything wrong with him, or wanting to be with a man, or anything, but... _he's not my type."_

"But you live together," Tobias pointed out. "And weren't you telling me that you felt resentful towards Remus because he still hasn't paid you back for his share of your godson's birthday present?"

"Look, sometimes people just can't afford-- _you're upset about that?_ " Remus stared at Sirius, who deliberately avoided looking at him.

"I didn't want to cause a fuss," said Sirius.

"You could have said something back then. I can give you the money now, if you like."

"No, I don't want your money. I wouldn't want to leave you destitute."

"Don't be such a drama queen," Remus snapped.

"You're the one who thrives off drama," Sirius muttered. "Look how you used to make a scene over the tiniest little thing before the Potters died. 'Oh, Sirius, I'm poor and a werewolf and nobody will ever love me! Oh, Sirius, the Death Eaters want me to join them but I can't because then I'll be a traitor! Oh, Sirius, I saw Peter having a pint with Evan Rosier, look at me, I'm such an attention-seeking pretender!' Honestly, Remus, everything is such a production with you."

"Is this hour over yet," said Remus. "I'm pretty sure it's my turn to do the dishes tonight, and I wouldn't want to leave the leftovers out for dangerous _criminals_ to come and eat in the middle of the night."

"Yeah, wouldn't want any no good, unemployed, malingering werewolves going out with your cousins, would you?"

"You said you were all right with that!"

"I lied."

"Because you love him?" Tobias asked, hopefully.

"Shut up," said Sirius. "You've only made this _worse_ between me and Moony." Sirius glanced up at Remus, looking a little ashamed of himself. "Sorry about all of that."

"So you should be," said Remus, tersely. 

"But I don't have feelings for you, right?"

"And I don't have feelings for you."

"But you would, if you were attracted to men, right?"

"Look," Remus said, staring longingly at the library door, "this man has spent the last fourteen years with absolutely horrible guilt about the death of his best friend, and with massive anger problems due to being betrayed by another friend. And as nice as the idea of making us fall in love is - and I'm sure Sirius does appreciate it, at some level - I think that those are more pressing issues to address than getting him laid."

"That's it," nodded Tobias. "Let those feelings out. I want you to speak for your friend: get into his mind, _share his pain._ "

"I think this therapy session is only compounding my pain," said Sirius, rubbing his temples. "Is the hour over yet?"

"You mean..." began Remus, looking confused and more than a little bit pathetic.

"Yes," said Tobias, nodding his eggish little head. "It's time for you to become your friend through the magical art of role-play."

Remus nodded, and took a deep breath. It was some time until he was able to speak, and when he finally did, his words were decisive and forceful. "Remus," said he said, as he rose and stood over Sirius, "I've had it up to here with you being so uptight and secretive! I'm sick of you not sharing your feelings with me and letting me know what's going on inside of your head! No wonder I never trusted you before Lily and James died!"

"Yes! Sirius, your turn now! Crawl up your friend and get inside him," urged Tobias, in a most worrisome (and badly-expressed) fashion.

"This is stupid," said Sirius. "Remus, what the hell has got into you?"

"I feel like I'm finally understanding your pain," Remus said, clutching his hand to his heart. "My brother, _mon frere,_ I think the healing process has started."

"Oh, what, the guy who owns the two million galleon mansion is going to sit here and listen to two idiots bad-acting and profiting off his pain and misery?" Sirius rose quickly from his chair, and stalked to the door. " _Come on!"_

"Yes, but perhaps if you were to get into Remus' head you would truly understand the obvious love that he has for--"

"Wait - _what?"_ Sirius came to a dead halt right at the door. "You don't still actually think that... _oh, for the love of--"_

"That's impossible," Remus muttered, weakly. "I mean, I've never done it before, I guess you'd say that I've never considered it the way I really am--"

"Is it possible, my friend, that you have been playing a role just to cover your true identity?"

Remus looked shattered. "All my life, I... I mean, I had some inkling when I was younger, I suppose, but I mean... all I've ever done is pretended to be someone I'm not... could it truly be..."

Tobias nodded, and Remus lay back weakly on the chair. "Thank you, Doctor, I've needed--"

"Wait, what about _me!?"_

Remus and Tobias both looked up to Sirius, whose face betrayed a mixture of frustration and deep disdain. "Yeah, me. You know, the one who actually has problems. Who actually _hired_ you," he said, pointing his finger at Tobias, "to help _me_ come to terms with my deep-seated issues!"

"If I may," said Tobias. "You don't even _try_ any of the therapeutic techniques I attempt with you."

"That's because they're stupid," Sirius sulked. "And _you're_ stupid. And... Remus never _used_ to be stupid, so I don't know what you did to him there." He turned the handle of the door, and made to make his dramatic exit. "And if you'd like any of that role-played, here it goes: 'Sirius, you're an idiot for wasting all this money on a minimally qualified Muggle headcase, and the next time you feel guilty for being an imposition on Remus you'd better disavow yourself of that notion pretty damn quickly.'" 

Sirius slammed the door behind him with such force that a number of stuffed house-elf heads on the walls came clattering to the floor. Remus and Tobias stared after him as the aftershocks of the door-slam echoed in the awkward silence.

"At least one of you decided to try to touch at the man inside," said Tobias, gently clapping Remus on the shoulder in an attempt at a supportive gesture.

"Have you ever tried sticking your head in a pensieve to hear how bad your phrasing is?"

***

Later that night, Nymphadora Tonks sat on the edge of her bed, upset and insulted at the recent turn of events that her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend was informing her of.

"It's not you, it's me," he said, solemnly. "I just... I just need to follow my heart and do what I need to do. It's taken me all my life to realise the truth, and now I know what it is, I feel I can truly be free."

"And what is that?" she snapped miserably, as she indelicately wiped her nose on her sleeve and hiccupped a little.

Remus took a deep breath, and stared at his feet for a minute before finally working up the nerve to look at Nymphadora. "I've decided to become an actor."

***


End file.
